For Simply Passing By

I didn’t like you at first. I actually liked your friend. And then one time, we got together to get a couple of drinks. You were never my type. You’re the modern hipster I try not to hate. You think you know so much. You hate almost every person in the world. The fuck’s wrong with you?

September 3 is the saddest day of the year for me. I want to celebrate it with someone random; someone that would be easy to forget, as if someone I could explode to without having to be ashamed of being reminded that I’m only human, and I need to let shit out at times. You were the perfect human being for the job.

Remember that night you went out with us? It was rainy. But it was worth it. As I talked to you even more, the hatred for hipsters grew smaller; and I started to like you. Thank you for being with me that day though. And thank you, because you cut classes for me. That was really unexpectedly sweet.

After that day, I wanted to get to know you more. I wanted to be with you, but you were too busy as a senior. I waited, but I guessed that September 3 was just September 3.

I saw you again after a couple of months. I didn’t really want to talk to you that time. I was really bummed out. But then that night, you pinged me on Facebook out of no where. You have no idea how much that made me smile. You talked about how your mom wouldn’t let you go on some trip. You expected so much? Oh you hypocrite! Expecting so much from others when you never even reached my expectation… But still, the moment I smiled when I saw your name in my inbox, I knew I wanted you. And when I want something, I try so hard to get it.

We were talking a lot when I was in Europe. You were one of the countable people I told about, about our Eurotrip. You were more excited than I was. I told you that afternoon we were together. You randomly text messaged me and asked where I was. I didn’t even hesitate to leave my friend. I wanted to see you.

We took a ride to Rizal Park. We walked around, seeing facts and shit about the Philippines. Then we kept on walking. We walked till we reached Roxas Blvd. Who the hell walks from Luneta Park to CCP? But it was amazing. We listened, we laughed. I never wanted to leave. I never wanted the sun to set. I even remember the extremely creepy cats that were all staring at us while we were walking.

I have to confess to you something though. I didn’t want to bring you to my apartment that time, because I know it would be too soon. I was in the process of trying to make “us” work. I didn’t want to mess it up. I only get frustrated every time we would separate, because I know the next time we’d see each other is after a long period of time.

November 12, 2013. I was drinking with my friends. I missed them so much. But you pinged again, asking where I was. So eager to see you, I stood up, put money on the table and left.

I’m sorry about what happened that night. But I hated you. I wanted so much more from you. It was never clear if that was just what you wanted, or if you really were scared. But I was too. You were so selfish. You were so mean. I even slept with someone else just to make me forget about you. I hated you. I absolutely despised you. I wanted to see you again just because I wanted you to see how much I hated you and how much what you did made me feel like complete shit. I felt like trash— the feeling I tried to avoid for 2 years. I was sober for 2 years and you just play with that? Don’t you think I at least deserved a personal “sorry”?

I never moved on from that incident. You can say all the nasty shit you want. I was too childish, I clung too much. Go ahead. But you were such an ass.

Despite of it all, I don’t know why the fuck I still painted for you. I asked your friend to give it to you without saying who it was from. I hated the fact that you found out. The only sorry I received was during Christmas. I don’t know why, but I expected to read so much more. Ever since then I tried so hard not to see you, or stalk your Twitter account, or even think of you.

I still hate you… But I never wanted to. I don’t know if you even ever liked me. I don’t know if any of what happened meant shit. I only got a short period to have you in my life; and since you’re graduating, I bet that period will be the only time I get you in my life. And just for coming; just for staying for a moment in my life; just for reminding me that I am alive… For simply passing by… Thank you, love.

Congratulations. Cheers!