September 20, 2014

Hi.

Remember the first time you saw my name? You told me it was from my application form, for the Mountaineering Club. You said I had a unique name— “SueAnn”. After the club’s general assembly, which I did not attend, and the first official minor climb, I met you. I honestly didn’t care about you before then. Do you remember? As usual, people meet people in our club through drinking. RGD, RJB— I wasn’t really sure because people just kept mumbling the name of that bar. When we wanted to drink a bit more I offered to go to my apartment, and just mix up some drinks there. It was a fun night.

We were leaning on a wall, and I was kind of, slightly, drunk-flirting with you. When the others fell asleep I asked you where you’d be sleeping. You said you didn’t know and I offered you to sleep beside me in my roommates’ room. I honestly don’t remember the details, but I knew I kissed you, and you kissed back.

I also didn’t know why I chose you: you were among of many boys and men I was fooling around with. But when I was with you I felt like I wanted to be a better person, and had a gut feeling that I should tell the truth. Among those guys, you were the only one who went back and took me back after I told every guy the true story about my slutiness. What’s wrong with you? Why were you so nice? I told you everything, but you just sat there and stopped me from drowning myself with alcohol, and just looked at me like I wasn’t as bad as people thought.

For ten months I had you. I promised myself that I wouldn’t last a year with a guy, and if I did, I’d marry him. I can’t understand what’s wrong with me. I’m scared. I was terrified of the thought of falling so deeply in love that I’d lose myself again, and when I get hurt I might want to die again. I was terrified of the thought that if I mess up somewhere when we’re in our 2^nd year, it would be more painful. I don’t know how to love anymore, Cy. I don’t know how to care so much for a person. I can’t give my all anymore. But when I was with you, that fear was fading away and I just couldn’t let go of it. I’m selfish, I know. But I was so scared.

The next part was a struggle. It was a beautiful struggle. The club had rules about officer-applicant relationships. You wanted to protect that. I wanted us to go home together, to be able to hold hands with each other. But at first, you couldn’t give me that. I honestly felt like I was taken for granted. The night we talked about it, and ‘really’ talked about it, you asked me not to leave you. Do you know you’re the only guy who ever looked straight at me and asked me to stay with him? You’re so stupid for doing that… But I loved you for that.

The night I knew you had a new girl, I got drunk and high. It was the thing I feared the most, and I couldn’t face it. Since then, I went through every night dreaming and everyday thinking about you. And I’m not joking about the dreaming part. There was one night I dreamt that we got back together, and we were eating Potato Corner Fries together, with Pam. Another dream when I was stalking you on Facebook, and you changed your profile picture to a photo of the two of you.  I spent a lot of times staring at my dorm room ceiling that was filled with paper cranes that you hung there over a year ago. There was a night I asked Dominique to be with me. Frankly, I can’t stand her lectures. Everything she had to say, I already knew. I know she’s just looking out for me, but I guess nothing could help. She left me sober, so I got bottles of beers and drank all the nightmares away. I was so hurt, that I freaked out and took the paper cranes down and threw them away. You made those paper cranes when we were still together. You kept your promise— that you made those for the new dorm I’d be moving in to.

After two months from moving in, I don’t know what came to me. I got frustrated, and easily-annoyed. I can’t think of a good reason why I broke up with you; and why I made you wait. Is losing myself a good reason? I was so lost with you Cy. I forgot the reality I lived in years before I met you. It was an inimitable adventure, for sure. But I can’t give you my all, Cy. It would be wrong; even if it wasn’t, it would be unfair to everyone else—to our families; to our friends; To myself. I was so selfish, and I’m sorry.

I messed with a lot of guys after you, some didn’t even deserve it. I guess, it is true, that we find the love we think we deserve. I deserve someone who wouldn’t and couldn’t love me either, I guess?

I was so annoyed the first times after the break-up. You kept forcing things down my throat, figuratively. I wasn’t ready to make any move. But I know I made you wait, and I know you did. I know I promised you that after you pass the board examinations, I’d come back to you. And when you did, believe me, I was so happy for you. But I was also terrified, because it wasn’t enough time. Remember the night when you asked me if you could kiss me? I honestly didn’t want it to stop, but I couldn’t let myself drag you into the nothingness I could feel. I didn’t want to have meaningless moments with you. I wouldn’t forgive myself if I have added you to my “Meaningless Flings”-list. I was so inhumane. I couldn’t feel anything. As if I died. I can’t let you be one of those guys, Cy. That’s why I kept distance from you. I love you, and I just can’t toy with you like that.

You did so well with your exams. I was so happy when you asked to sleep over, Cy. I truly was. After long months, I felt like I had you again. But I stopped myself from doing anything, because I didn’t want to do anything that we could both regret. That night, I didn’t want to touch you. Because if I did, it would mean having to give my all again—and I couldn’t give you that. I didn’t want to make any more promises. I know I didn’t keep any of my promises. And I’m sorry. I never intended to hurt you. Hindi ko sinasadya. I’m so sorry.

The other night, I was trying to find a ticket that I was supposed to use for one of my papers for school, and I saw your drawings. I’m not the type who’d give them back, but honestly, it brings too many painful memories—as cliché as it may sound. Your jacket was my favourite. I loved the thought of having a boyfriend who does so many cool things like shoot guns, and climb mountains. You were different, which made me love you even more. You love the colour blue too much. I remember when I bought you the guitar that Christmas, I immediately asked for a blue one and nothing else… You don’t have to keep it Cy. It could hurt Jen. She has nothing to do with me. She’s a nice girl. Since you do like her, I’m guessing she has to be someone so special. We accept the love we think we deserve. And liking her means she must be a fine girl.

The last night we were together, I told you not to hurt her. I asked you the following day if you’d choose her over me. I was honestly scared. Please do not get into a relationship if you are still puzzled. You couldn’t answer directly, Cy. I’m not stalling your decision, but as friend, please keep in mind that Jen doesn’t deserve to get hurt.

It’s amazing because every moment I remember you, I can’t stop picturing you with her, and I learned how not to cry. It takes years of practice. They said let it out, but I honestly don’t see the point. I hated people that kept forcing me to change, chase you back, and cry. Why would you mingle in lives of people that are already perfectly fine? Now, that’s selfish.

My friends keep asking me why I tolerate such pain; why I couldn’t just talk to you. What could have I possibly said? I can’t imagine myself with anyone else, but I can’t imagine myself risking you again. I’m terrified that if we get back together again, I’d get bored again, and I’d mess up again. And it would be a never-ending cycle of pain. You came at the most horrible time of my life, and I’m sorry I couldn’t protect us.  I know you’re very happy, and I know you deserve so much more than what I can possibly give. This is the exact reason why I can’t chase after you anymore. I’m too terrified to ask. Right now, I can’t take care of myself; and I cannot gamble with love. I want to take care of you. But if I can’t take care of myself, I don’t know what more possible painful shit we have to go through. And I can’t take that risk. I can’t hurt you anymore. There has to be another way, because if I hurt you again, I swear I’m going to kill myself. And this is the only other way I can think of right now… is to stay away. I can’t act like nothing’s wrong when we’re together, because it hurts. It hurts so much knowing that you’ve fallen out of love with me. It hurts and it’s sad because even though I’ve fucked a lot of people and even though I have been with really nice guys, ever since we broke up I never imagined myself saying “I love you” to anyone else. And it’s even sadder, because as I write this letter I keep pulling and pushing myself from and into sending it to you. If I send this it would only complicate everything that has already been fixed. Your life is so good right now, and I’m so happy for you. And I can’t afford to mess it up again.

But I don’t have the right to ask anything from you. I know our friendship has been so awesome, because we could still talk and laugh. But I guess I know now why my Ex’s keep away from me after we break up.

I feel like I’m trapped. I want to scream everything out, without you and Jen hearing anything. I can’t think of any other way. They say, turn pain into literature. I don’t know what literature is, but this is what I’m good at—words. It’s the only thing stopping me from doing anything ‘stupid’ again. I’m sorry I had to write this. Better yet, I’m sorry I wanted to send it.

This is the last time you will hear me say your name, or see me write about you. Sometimes, I even wish for the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to be true. So I can just erase everything. It would have been so much better. I don’t want to forget about you, Cy. But every time I remember you, I feel like… I would have done everything to make things right:

What if you met me now, when I can actually, already admit to life that I need someone? What if you met me while I still believed in love? What if you met me during the right time of my life?

But then, what if you never met me at all? It would have been so much better for you. Hindi na sana kita nasaktan. I’m sorry I kissed you that night. What I’d give to go back exactly two years from now.

I was so happy with you. Every time I think of all the moments, I can’t help but want that happiness back. I was so in love. I was so, deeply, truly in love with you. And I still am. And I always will be.

I learned so much from you, from having you—from having us. But the greatest thought I gained was that to love is to put the one you love above everything and everyone else; even above your own happiness. Even if it means having to feel so much pain, and let go; it is having to understand what’s better for him—for you.

I love you so much. And if I ever meet the guy who would be crazy enough to stand with me like you did, I promise I won’t mess it up again. I promise you and myself, I’ll take care of him just as much as you did with me. Thank you for the love and happiness, Cy. Now it’s your turn.

Happy Anniversary, love.

Karen SueAnn Fule Yao