Emotions

“Sometimes I think I have felt everything I’m ever gonna feel. And from here on out, I’m not gonna feel anything new. Just lesser versions of what I’ve already felt,” said Theodore, in the film Her. This is the most relevant line I have ever heard in a film.

Have you ever felt blank in your life? As if you had no idea what to feel. Or how to feel. It’s not that you don’t care, it’s just that you cannot react at all. Or have you ever felt that nothing excited you anymore? Or hurts you anymore, because you’ve been there. And it’s nothing compared to what you’ve been through.
I have been at my happiest before. When I close my eyes, I imagine my family even from before the chaotic events happened. This was about 13 years ago. I couldn’t remember much. But I know I was sincerely, truly happy then. I have been at my lowest as well; at my most pathetic state. This happened almost 9 years ago. It was a dark place, I was young and hurt, and lost. I cannot hide the fact that it stayed with me for all these years.

I am from a broken family. I am a child of parents who gave it their all, resulting where I am today. I have a mother, who loves no one else but the two of us; a father, who wants nothing more than forgiveness; a sister, who has been hurt by our past. No, I do not hate them. They are all I have. And somehow, we make it work. We always try to make it work. We are all we have. My family did their best, like any other parent and sibling. They give it their all, and what I lack now is in my fault. Never theirs. However from this, I have grown. From this, is what I am today.

After this, constant, subsequent, inevitable, events happened. Of course, I have been in relationships. In all types of relationships. From planning the wedding, to just planning where to make out. Maybe to release the pain? As every adult has said. But really, it just amused my boredom. I have been judged because of this, and yet I have judged others for this. From this, I have learned when and whom to fall in love with. It’s a talent I somewhat gained.

I have had friends. Some stayed. Some only stayed for the perks. Some rise from history just to get a taste of the perks I have today. Some have judged me, some just do not care about my own beliefs. Some take care of me, some leave me be. I have been alone, though. I have been with thousands, yet still feel alone. I have been so exhausted. I have felt so alone that I got low, and I thought there was no way out.

I have been used. I have used. I have tried every possible vice. I have practiced every possible value. I have been to the guidance office, or even the principal’s. Even in college. I have been the teacher’s pet, and the teacher’s “favorite”. I have lost and won in all sorts of competitions. I have both academically excelled and failed. I have been the fat loser, and I have been the popular slut. I have been the nagging hater; and of course, I have had my own taste of being unliked.
I have made memories. I have made regrets. I have been hit, be it emotionally, linguistically, physically. I have hit. I have hugged, kissed. I have done certain things, without even feeling a single thing. I have felt every possible sensation in bed. I have felt passionate. I have felt disgusted.

I have become the worst, and the best daughter and sister. I have become the bitch, and I have become the good girl. I have become the psychotic girlfriend, and the unfaithful one. I have become everything a man could desire, and nothing a human being would want. I have wanted girls. I have wanted guys. I have been hurt; and I have hurt.

Even now when I think of my significant other cheating on me, or leaving me, I cannot imagine how, or what to feel. I do not feel anger, nor sadness. I cannot feel betrayed, thinking that he may have done that due to my incompetence to him as a lover. If he was to do it, only if, I would assume it is what makes him happy; where he is happy. And I will respect what makes him happy. I will not chase after him. I will not force myself to him. I will not water a dead flower. I will not cry over him. I cannot even feel anything about it. Because I have been cheated on. And I have cheated before. I have left, and I have been left. I have loved so much that I cannot give it my all. I have hurt so much that I cannot any more. I have given it my all, till I had nothing. I have received it all, still notice nothing.
I cannot even feel the fear of losing anyone anymore, not just because I have experienced being left or leaving, but because I cannot even go high enough into trusting anyone would even stay. I do not prevent loving, or trusting anyone. I just literally, utterly, cannot reach those emotions anymore. I have been at the lowest, and highest emotions.

Did it make me strong? Did it bring me to the essence of strength? Maybe. Good thing about this is that I can’t get hurt anymore, even if I try. I learned not to chase for hope, or love. And somehow I always get what I want. One way or the other, I never lose.

What is strength? My dear, it is never measured by independence, physical character, or concrete materials. Never with the the number of tears you have not shed; never with the number of grins you have showed. It is power. Power to control life and accept what you have, and embrace them. To make the best of them. To control what you have every step of the way. It is the power to balance the necessities of life. You need people around you. You need your family, your friends. You have to deal with people and things, without pushing them away. Because pushing things away does not prove strength, it shows how weak and pathetic you are in handling your life. Power is not to lose fear; rather, to endure it and be it. To have felt these sensations gives me both great gratitude and trauma at a single moment. I feel everything, and nothing at the same time. I have been psychotic. I have been at peace. I have felt every possible contradicting emotions, till I have felt nothing. Nothing is new.

So, it this a good thing? All I assure is, it brought me to indifference. Mere indifference. Maybe I still love, or I still hurt; I just could not care any less anymore. I cannot care for anyone as much as before. I cannot be as happy as I was. I do not even know if I should fear this. But one thing is for sure, I have learned.

Never give anyone the pleasure of thinking that you are weak. Always think beyond your own emotions. Place yourself on the other side of the fence. The people around you are the only reasons you still live. Weakness is never an option. We must be more afraid of the people who cannot cry. Live for happiness, because dying a sad man means wasting the only assured life you will ever have. We must worry about the life we have now, because it is all the assurance we can get. Happiness is always a choice. Weakness is not measured with the tears you shed but with the time you waste on matters that are already irrelevant to your life. If you give it your all, expect to get hurt; once you get hurt, you have no one to blame but yourself. You are never enough. Loving a person requires having to think pass your own relationship, and thinking of only the greater good he alone needs. Love is given to the people who can give it back. He will fight for you if you give him a reason to. If they love you like they say they do, he can never hurt you on purpose; you will always come first. Learn to leave when needed. Treat him right to make him stay. To feel love is to open your eyes to what you have now and enduring them. Family will come first. To have turned your back on your family only proves what a monster you are. If you have to, do it without hurting anyone. It is pathetic to think that you can do it alone. Love can be make you weak, or strong; it lies on how well you let it manipulate your life. To be loved is a pleasure. No one has the luxury of time to love someone who does not want to be loved. We all want to be remembered. The thrill of not knowing is an honor. Time is all a human being has, and making the best of it depends on the person; not on others’ judgments. You please your self. We all have our own beliefs, and you have no right to sway a person into your own. You are no better than anyone else. The only difference is a diploma. You earn respect. Royalty is something you are born with. If you have the chance to have an education, to have a family, to have shelter and warmth, embrace it. You have to withstand the pain to be able to see pass through it. The secret is always to be afraid. Experience is not always a prestige. Drugs and alcohol are fun, but it cannot give you a car, a house, and food. You can get as high as you want, but you will never be Bob Marley. Make memories. Aim for success and happiness at the same time. Money can buy you happiness. Help others, it can make you feel warm. Do not pity an unreasonable excuse. Sex is sex. If you run even though you do not want to, no one will look for you. Do not wait for them to come after you. Never play hard-to-get, it looks even more pathetic. Do not expect anything from anyone. The game is never yours once you shed a tear for that person. Time is gold; however, money is silver. You earn the life you want. Do not be stupid. Stupidity and laziness is never an excuse. Pride is never the answer for irresponsibility, disarray, and selfishness. If you say or do something, stand by it. You will never be the only priority. Everything that you are today is because of your own doing, never the people around you. You don’t have to care, you just have to understand. Understand, as much as possible.

_____

Lessons are endless. Maybe they are the only things new.

I do not sit on the golden throne of human suffering. I undoubtedly know this. We all have been through all of these emotions, especially pain. Luckily, I just learned how to deal with it; how to avoid it; how to pass by it; how to be indifferent about it; and how to control it. Nevertheless, you can never compare cancer with world hunger; or a simple loaf of bread with a yacht. A life is a life, and human emotions and suffering is the most beautiful flaw in the reality time has to offer. I know I will experience more. I know I’m young. I know this isn’t it all.

Somehow, in between all the harmonized mayhem, amazingly, I feel content. Maybe this is the lesser versions. I am grateful, though. Because it is all I can feel from myself. It is all I can give. You do not need to feel bad about me. I have grown beyond the path of pity. There’s a song that goes:

Well, love was kind for a time; now just aches and it makes me blind. This mirror holds my eyes too bright; I can’t see the others in my life. Do not ask the price I paid, I must live with my quiet rage; tame the ghosts in my head, that run wild and wish me dead. Should you shake my ash to the wind? Lord, forget all of my sins or let me die where I lie beneath the curse of my lover’s eyes. ‘Cause there’s no drink or drug I’ve tried To rid the curse of these lover’s eyes; and I feel numb, beneath your tongue. Your strength just makes me feel less strong.

I don’t know if this is a curse or a blessing. I don’t know if I could even feel anything beyond my current ability. But though I cannot give as much, I still feel loved. I feel loved by my family. My friends. My pasts. My present. I feel love. And they are the only reasons why the lesser versions still matter. And I’m eternally grateful for them. It is never their fault why I ended this way. I chose the decisions myself. And after it all, after the monster I had become, they’re still here. And that is why they are my only reasons left.

So love, have you ever felt so numb?

Innocence is underrated.